Journey to self and

I never new a journey to find yourself could be so hard and confusing. I still have no idea who I am or what I want to achieve career wise. I’ve spent too long listening to everyone else’s opinion  that I have lost myself. I have laid out boundaries and done work with my confidence but still no idea who I am, or who I would of been if I hadn’t been through what I have. Maybe in a strange way I was meant to go through the hard times but why? just to make me stronger as a person ? to learn certain life lessons ? I haven’t ever invited anyone back into my home because I was told that my house was a mess and no guy would ever put up with it, had have his dinner on the table or hed shout or go on a strop, couldn’t go out or I’d get shouted at then we’d argue it was a vicious roundabout. I have known love to be horrible and hurt that bad that I don’t think I could ever let another in. sometimes I sit and try to imagine what it would be like to just sit and cuddle on the couch again and be happy but all I see is the bad, I keep thinking of all the stuff that can go wrong instead of all the things that could go right. I just can’t imagine a guy being nice to me again, then having to tell them what I’ve been through so that they understand what anxiety can do to a person. Although I’ve forgiven him for the trauma he caused he’s still having an effect, and the more I’m writing the more I’m actually seeing the effects that it still has on me. I know not all men are bad, I think it’s more to do with being blamed for the abuse that I’m feeling scared that it will happen again. All my thoughts that are coming up I’m asking is this my thought or is this something I was told that I’ve took on as my reality, I’m trying to remember what my life was like before any of this ever happened just so I can try and get in touch with that part of my old self.  I know what my passion is just not sure how to go about it, hopefully all these feelings will pass in time so I can be happy once again.


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