From the inside looking out

I had warped my brain so much by researching narcissists that I actually began to lose myself, I started to defend myself against their lies, I wish I had known at the time that this was their plan so as they could say I was crazy. Of course this mind set caused me to worry more as I started to think is it me ? Was I crazy? This again is part of their game to keep me second guessing. It was to late I was already suffering anxiety, PTSD and depression. I spend years in my own wee world because I couldn’t speak up about what happened through fear of not being believed. At times I was that bad that I actually thought they were going to kill me, this didn’t help with my anxiety. I had to get rid of this fear, I just didn’t know how.

I started to do inner child healing and within a couple of weeks I started to notice a difference, I wasn’t so scared to leave the house anymore but certain triggers would pull me back to thinking about it again. Then I heard parts of their smear campaign, I was a bad mum, I was abusive, I was an alcoholic, this sent me spiralling again wondering how many people actually believed these lies, my depression got worse and I hit an all time low.

My brain felt as if it was completely warped, my head hurt everyday I would suffer migraines at the slightest sight of stress, I couldn’t concentrate at work, couldn’t take in any information or complete the smallest of tasks at one point I couldn’t watch my programmes as my mind used to wonder and my head would go all fuzzy, I couldn’t take anymore, I had to detach.

I started focusing on myself, I faced my fears everyday even it was just leaving the house it was a start, a step in the right direction. I learned how to stop my triggers so I didn’t have flash backs of the abuse, and I learned how to ignore the ones who believed his stories. I slowly gained my self confidence back and for the first time in 17 years I actually feel like me.

I have heard lots of people say a narcissist is someone who loves themselves, I have to disagree, it is normal to love yourself, you must love yourself in order for anyone else to love you. A narcissist causes major consequences/ injury through mind games, manipulation, triangulation and many other forms of abuse, their goal is their victims pain, the more pain and suffering they can cause to the victim the better.

When people say the mind can’t heal I am proof that it can!! It just takes perseverance and time.

 

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2 thoughts on “From the inside looking out

  1. You have made it to the other side of the bridge. I am proud of you. You are an inspiration… For I know how difficult it is to conquer your fears in a state of depression.
    And mental damage caused by a narcissist is the worst kind of damage. Because it eats up the insides and makes us hollow. Great respect for you my friend.

    Like

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